GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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