He uses pillows to masturbate.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
