Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
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