Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
