who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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