I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
