So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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