My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You were trust falling into bushes
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
