I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
