He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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