I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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