i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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