My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
