JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
