My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize