Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what day is it and did you see me today?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Randomize
