She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
