Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
