recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
