I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
