I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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