I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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