I wish my penis had an off switch
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
