I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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