I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
