plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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