I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
