first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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