thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
