i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
