I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
