it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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