so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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