My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
