I wish I could punch you in the face.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
