i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
