peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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