The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
