remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
