I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
