i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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