So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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