Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
