I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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