so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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