This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
