The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
