Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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