Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
