hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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