i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
