Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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