I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
