Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
