I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize