Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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