halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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