I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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