apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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