I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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