9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
